Thursday, March 30, 2006

A never ending story

I didn't go to school today. I didn't go to school yesterday either. Why do I do this? When stress gets so horrible and my depression reaches extremes I give up. I only have ONE WEEK left, and I'm giving up. That is so horrible, yet true. It is so ridiculous. I know it will just make things worse to miss school. The stress will go up, but I just don't get out of bed. I'll go next week, for my last classes. Will my projects be finishes? God I hope so.

Jarod and I went to see our realtor today. We had made an offer on a really nice condo, and the owner accepted our offer of $152,000. I wish I could have smiled and hugged Jarod and told him how happy I was. But I was silent and got home and lay down on the bed. It's this struggle between all of my emotions. I really am happy, it's just so hard for me to show happiness when the rest of me wants to cry none stop. We have to be out of our basement suit by May 1 and we won't get the condo till the very end of May so I guess we'll be living out of boxes at Jarod's parents house for a month.

I am going to see a new doctor tomorrow. I had my last doctor since I was little but he gives me the creeps. I have a new doctor who is female and Jarod is switching to her too. I hope she can fix me.

It scares me sometimes to write posts like this. I don't really know who reads this, and I hope I am not scaring anyone. I know I will get better once school is over and the stress starts to fade. I've been battling depression since grade 9. I just want it to be over. Just to be happy and have a normal life. I know it never will be over though. This is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.

At least I have Jarod. He does not tell me to "just be happy". He lets me be sad, but he's there for me too. I know it hurts him when I cry for no reason, or when I just sit and stare off into space. We have talks about my depression when I am well.

One thing about my depression is I don't want to talk. I'll respond to questions very quietly in one word answers. It frustrated my family when I was growing up, and I know hurts Jarod. Apparently I don't have a problem writing though.

My lack of creativity is killing me. I want to paint, draw, scrapbook, everything.... I just don't have any creativity inside of me. Maybe that's why I am struggling so much with school this term.

one week...
I have to keep going

write three new poems
fix three old poems
write a poetry review
create and present a 10 minute poetry presentation
add detail to my seven paintings
varnish my seven paintings
write an artist statement
draw sketch for intaglio plate
prepare plates for intaglio
etch intaglio plates
print series for intaglio
start and complete five more drawings
make skirt into lampshade
finish button lampshade
make a planes/lines project for design

No comments: